Conversing with ease
How do you feel when you walk into a room full of strangers? Do you avoid going to parties or other gatherings just to escape these unpleasant feelings?
Conversation is an important part of life. Talking with someone else stimulates us. It provides new ideas and enables us to explore ideas we already have. It also fulfils a basic need – human contact. Every friendship that has enriched our lives began with a conversation. Conversation also plays an important role in our success in life. Successful people usually share a common characteristic: They can carry on a conversation with just about anybody.
So what can you do to give yourself an advantage when striking up a conversation? Skillful conversationalists know several ways to prepare for the initial encounter. But first it’s important to understand the different levels on which everyone communicates.
- Level one: Small talk. The first level of a typical first-time communication is ‘small talk. Small talk includes comments about the weather, our immediate surroundings, and current events, On the face of it this type of talk seems superficial and meaningless, but small talk does have a purpose. Once you’ve exchanged some dialogue with someone else for a minute or two, you’ve had a chance to ‘size up’ the other person, to decide if you have something in common and whether you’d like to carry the conversation any further. Since you don’t know the other person, you are not expected to say or reveal anything personal about yourself, nor are you expecting the other to do so.
- Level two: Fact disclosure. Should the initial ‘small talk’ phrase go well, you may want to know your conversational partner better. And, if that is true of the other person, the conversation will proceed to the next level, as you both begin to disclose facts about yourselves that are not very personal. For example, you may tell the other person your occupation and hobbies. At this level, you will find out if you have something in common eg cooking.
- Level three: Viewpoint and opinions. If both of you feel positively about one another, then your conversation generally proceeds to the third level of communication. In this phase, you share more personal viewpoint and opinions. For example, politics, or mutual acquaintances.
- Level four: Personal feelings. At the fourth level, you both disclose feelings of a more personal nature than those of Level Three. For example, you may speak about the problems you are having with one of your children and your concern for your child’s future.
A successful conversation begins with the first level, proceeds at a comfortable pace through the second and third levels, and ends in the fourth level – not necessarily at the first meeting. It may take several meetings and long conversations to reach Level Four.
Beginning a dialogue with someone you’ve never met before requires a positive attitude. It helps not only to hold the conviction that everyone is interesting, but that all these interesting people will find your interesting too! Before striking up conversation with a total stranger, it’s important to believe you can learn something from everyone – and that you have something to offer others. Read newspapers regularly and become knowledgeable about current events. Being familiar with the arts, entertainment, science and politics will enable you to contribute to a conversation and will make you interesting to others.
Those initial moments of conversation with a stranger will generally involve three subjects: Yourself, the other person and your current mutual situation. Since people are far more interested in themselves and their immediate circumstances, consider those two areas as likely starting places.
A good conversationalist though is, above all, a good listener. He or she has learned to wait for information that the other party will divulge and then move the conversation into those subject areas by asking related questions. After that, conversation flows naturally.
Whilst the first few questions of a new conversation may require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer (eg ‘do you live around here?’), ask open-ended questions that begin with the words what, how or why? So instead of asking: ‘Are you here on business?’ ask ‘What brings you to London?’. Or instead of asking ‘Does it rain much in Edinburgh?’ ask instead ‘What kind of weather do you have in Edinburgh?’
So, this Christmas, happy chatting!
Source: Conversing with ease, p6-9, Interpersonal Communication, Advanced Communication Series, Toastmasters International
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Forthcoming training courses
Tue 11th Jan 2011 – 09:00-17:00 (coffee from 08:30 hours) – Public speaking: You can do it – Institute of Directors, 116 Pall Mall, London, SW1Y 5ED, United Kingdom - £495 + VAT per delegate
Over 1000 delegates – of all different nationalities and backgrounds – have attended this training course and all feedback received has been highly complimentary.
Click here for a list of our other training courses.
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The Rapid Reaction Fun Force: Volunteers needed!
Do you want to:
Practise your public speaking?
Do your bit for the local community?
Bring a little bit of laughter and sparkle to the lives of vulnerable, older people?
If your answer to the above questions are ‘YES’ then we would like to hear from you.
The Pullen Centre is a Day Care Centre for elderly people in London, SW1, United Kingdom. The Centre provides a vital local service for people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s who are classed as ‘vulnerable adults’. That is people who are living on their own in the community but who, due to health or mobility problems, may have difficulty leaving their homes unaided and as a result of this, many feel vulnerable, lonely or isolated. Thus mini-buses collect them from their homes and bring them to the Centre so that they can natter, take part in quizzes and keep fit (in their chairs!).
The management at the Centre love to have people visit to give talks so... I wondered... might YOU be interested in the following:
Do you have a humorous speech or comedy routine that you would like to give there?
Could you give a talk there? Say about local history, your culture (and bring titbits to share perhaps?), your hobbies or any other subject deemed appropriate? Due to loss of mobility and an increased dependence on others for help, many users of the Centre suffer from low self-esteem. So talks that could help to raise self-esteem would be just wonderful.
Are you an entertainer? Eg can you juggle? Magic tricks? Or play an instrument (there’s a piano in the room)? Sing (singalongs with songs from the 1920s, 30s, 40s, 50s are popular)?
So, if you have ½ hour to spare and would like to bring some much needed sparkle to the lives of vulnerable adults, many of whom have lived through the economic depression of the 1920s / 1930s and the Second World War and are being forgotten about by family, friends and society, then your goodness would be appreciated by them and the care workers at the Centre.
The Centre is open 10:00-15:00 hours Monday to Friday. The preferred time slot for a ‘turn’ would be 13:00-13:30 hours any day of the week. As the Centre is a charity, they are unable to reimburse travel expenses unfortunately, but presenters would be given much thanks for their very valuable effort. Location: Pullen Centre, Garden Terrace, 7-9 Moreton Street, London, SW1V 2WP, United Kingdom (nearest tubes = Victoria / Pimlico).
Benefits to you include: A forum for you to practise your speeches / performances; that buzz you get when doing something altruistic; putting a smile on the faces of others – a feeling that just can’t be beaten. This audience is a rich research resource too. For example, Service Users have helped the Archivists from Westminster and the City of London with their research into the 1948 London Olympics and Lyons’ Tea Houses respectively.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Before saying ‘no’, consider this: Just as today’s elderly people were once vital, vibrant, mobile people just like you, in time, YOU will probably become a vulnerable adult. So, in a few years time, when you are immobile and feeling lonely and neglected, wouldn’t YOU like someone to put a bit of sparkle into YOUR life?
Feel free to pass this information on to others who may be able to help. For example, does the organisation that you work for have a staff outreach programme, whereby staff volunteer their services in the local community? Or if the Pullen Centre is not handy for you, why not set up a Rapid Reaction Fun Force in your area? And, in so doing, put a bit of sparkle in the lives of vulnerable people.
Click here to book your slot or request further information.
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Poet’s Corner: Deck the Halls
Those of you that have attended our public speaking training sessions know the importance of crafting compelling speeches using lyrical English. So, each month, we feature a topical poem or passage that paints a picture using evocative imagery.
December is synonymous with Christmas. The following is not a poem but a Christmas Carol that extols the joy of Christmas, the values of the season and lifts the spirit.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing Yule before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the harp and join the chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Follow me in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I tell of Yule tide treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old year passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the wind and weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Author unknown, first published 1881
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Quotations
I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year, Charles Dickens (1812-1870), English novelist
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace, the gladness of Christmas give you hope, the warmth of Christmas grant you love, Author Unknown
Christmas persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected, Jimmy Cannon, 1910-1973, US sports journalist
A good conscience is a continual Christmas, Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa, Matt Groening (1954-), The Simpsons, US cartoonist & satirist
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Let's lick loneliness: Forthcoming events December 2010
The purpose of Let’s lick loneliness is to share information with others in the LLL group about what we are doing. Then, if people want to join outings, they can. I have always held the view that it is better to tell people about a forthcoming event and they say ‘no’, rather than not tell them and they could have been interested in attending. The Service of Nine Lessons and Carols is very traditional; cathedrals and churches across Britain will be holding this service. Here are some being held in Central London this month:
Tuesday 14th December 2010, 17:00-18:00 hours, Service of Nine Lessons and Carols at St Margaret’s Church, Westminster Abbey, Parliament Square, London, SW1 followed by Mulled Wine & Mince Pies served at the Institute of Civil Engineers, One Great George Street, London, SW1P 3AA – All free
Sunday 19th December 2010, 18:30-19:30 hours, Service of Nine Lessons and Carols at St Saviour’s Church, St George’s Square, London, SW1V 3QW followed by Mulled Wine & Mince Pies served in the Church Hall – All free
Thursday 23rd December 2010, 18:00-19:00 hours, Service of Nine Lessons and Carols at Westminster Abbey, Parliament Square, London, SW1 - Free
Do contact us if you would like to come along to any of the above. To ensure that the group is as inclusive as possible, events are invariably free or low cost. All, of any age group and background, are most welcome to attend. Membership of LLL is free. And, if you are not based in London, why not start an LLL initiative in your area?
If Christmas is a difficult time for you and you’re feeling lonely, please talk to others and perhaps try to push yourself to do things. You may discover that there’s people as lonely as you and, by chatting to others, you are not only helping yourself but bringing a little bit of sunshine into their lives too.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year.
Kim Crosby, CustomerClix, December 2010
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